Its almost an year one of my close friends got married (socially) after a long relationship which bloomed almost two decades back. They had got married legally 5 years before their social marriage. It's an inter-state love marriage. I remember from what I was told that this journey from legal to social marriage was tumultuous, painstakingly slow and insulting for the bride groom's family wherein the bride was insulted for her looks, her education levels ( which isn't inferior to the groom by the way) and her father's affluence levels. The bride's family was also told that the groom's younger sister couldn't be married off if this inter-state alliance happens. There was a significant pressure of dowry which may have been one of the ways through which the groom's family wanted to avoid this marriage to happen in the very first place. Well, that surely didn't happen !! Unfortunately the demands of dowry were fulfilled to a certain extent if not completely.
The reason I am putting this blog post is not to lambaste our parents or our society. I don't want to question the groom or the bride here because they have lived their struggles and shouldn't be subjected to more tribulations. I am trying to figure out as an independent girl/woman when do I decide that I can't continue in a relationship. I am being disrespected for who I am by my new family. Counter argument is people change and maybe after getting married their perceptions may change. I wait for almost 15 years to come to a point where there is some kind of commitment given by the groom that there might be some future for both of them. 15 years is a long time which gives hope as well as woe. Hope because that we have come so far, stood the test of time and nothing can go wrong here. Woe because it took such a long time to take a decision and commit to a future together. Wouldn't this inaction get repeated at similar critical decision points in life? Finally, the necessity of dowry to secure the social legitimacy to my marriage which had already happened 5 years back!!
Shouldn't I walk away from such a scenario and forget this ever happened!! I totally agree its a huge investment in the relationship which I am giving up and I am at a juncture in life where I may not be able to consider any other prospects or in the Indian scenario no one will ever consider me. But living everyday with a man and a family whom I know so closely and what they think of me is a very brave decision !! Or was there ever a choice because even my parents have invested their hopes and resources in it. Our families and parents ( in most cases) are of the opinion that getting married ensures their kids are settled in life and they are happy. They can go to all lengths to ensure their kids are happy through this route, for that matter spend off their old age savings to ensure the happiness of their kids. And in our attempts to make our parents happy we sometimes choose not to fight the right battles and stop living our lives.
This single instance wouldn't have been so unsettling for me had it not been a completely another incidence where a guy fought with his parents to marry a girl ( a divorcee ) elder to him. This was also an inter-state love marriage. The fact that he was a single child might have helped him to win this battle. Was it fear of losing one's love if not acting now, more love on his part, more conviction in his love, more courage, or was it more clarity in mind to choose the right battles for himself ? I am still not sure what made him successful. There might be an argument that both the couples got married eventually. But there is a stark difference between both the cases where someone took a decision at a good time to live their lives...
P.S I am not claiming happily ever after endings in any case.
The reason I am putting this blog post is not to lambaste our parents or our society. I don't want to question the groom or the bride here because they have lived their struggles and shouldn't be subjected to more tribulations. I am trying to figure out as an independent girl/woman when do I decide that I can't continue in a relationship. I am being disrespected for who I am by my new family. Counter argument is people change and maybe after getting married their perceptions may change. I wait for almost 15 years to come to a point where there is some kind of commitment given by the groom that there might be some future for both of them. 15 years is a long time which gives hope as well as woe. Hope because that we have come so far, stood the test of time and nothing can go wrong here. Woe because it took such a long time to take a decision and commit to a future together. Wouldn't this inaction get repeated at similar critical decision points in life? Finally, the necessity of dowry to secure the social legitimacy to my marriage which had already happened 5 years back!!
Shouldn't I walk away from such a scenario and forget this ever happened!! I totally agree its a huge investment in the relationship which I am giving up and I am at a juncture in life where I may not be able to consider any other prospects or in the Indian scenario no one will ever consider me. But living everyday with a man and a family whom I know so closely and what they think of me is a very brave decision !! Or was there ever a choice because even my parents have invested their hopes and resources in it. Our families and parents ( in most cases) are of the opinion that getting married ensures their kids are settled in life and they are happy. They can go to all lengths to ensure their kids are happy through this route, for that matter spend off their old age savings to ensure the happiness of their kids. And in our attempts to make our parents happy we sometimes choose not to fight the right battles and stop living our lives.
This single instance wouldn't have been so unsettling for me had it not been a completely another incidence where a guy fought with his parents to marry a girl ( a divorcee ) elder to him. This was also an inter-state love marriage. The fact that he was a single child might have helped him to win this battle. Was it fear of losing one's love if not acting now, more love on his part, more conviction in his love, more courage, or was it more clarity in mind to choose the right battles for himself ? I am still not sure what made him successful. There might be an argument that both the couples got married eventually. But there is a stark difference between both the cases where someone took a decision at a good time to live their lives...
P.S I am not claiming happily ever after endings in any case.
