If the girl or woman is at fault of asking or expecting too much from her life partner then it doesn't mean that no fault lies within the guy or the man. I might be biased at this juncture being a female but much of my words are coming from my own experiences or from what I am observing and listening to.
There is a Sanskrit sloka which forces me to think that are Indian guys or men somehow unconsciously being driven by this desire of an ideal wife...The sloka goes like this "Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri; Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha; Roopeshu Lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri; Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni "
An ideal wife should work like a servant, advise like a minister, feed like a mother, make love like an apsara, should be beautiful like lakshmi and forgiving like mother earth...
I mean really are you marrying a woman or a superwoman. No where in this sloka there is a mention that a wife is your equal and if you have flaws and weaknesses she might have some too...Don't women marry lazy, stupid or ugly guys? They do, then how can the same lazy or stupid or ugly guy expect everything out of his wife. One might say the girl may had been stupid to marry such a stupid or lazy guy but let's think about it for a moment how many girls in our society actually get to actually choose or reject a guy. In my own case my father says you don't have the privilege of rejecting a guy based on his looks or education. Being a supposedly "good obedient daughter" I can't reply back and just wonder if the guy is doing the same thing after looking at my photograph or my education then why can't I...What special or unique thing he has which I or any other girl seems to lack...Why should we settle for something lesser when the guy or his parents is not compromising on his wishlist of his ideal wife or life partner. If a girl rejects guys she is being choosy or snobbish and if guy does the same he is taking his time or being careful. The whole concept of swayamvara in Hindu mythology seems to have vanished in our times. Why does the society take the values or norms from mythology which benefit them and forget the ones where their position gets undermined...
If she goes on to choose someone she thinks is her ideal life partner or has more or less everything which needs from a life partner then the parents have to make a huge fuss about it and sometimes leading to adverse scenarios. I understand that parents may be genuinely concerned about the choice of their daughter's life partner but outrightly rejecting him without even meeting him once or talking to him once on reasons like caste, region, community, status is totally unasked for. Not everyone is ignorant or naive this days. Parents have lot much more experience in wordly matters but then there were many things which didn't even exist or happen during their times but happens today.
The troubling fact which seems to come strikingly in front of me again and again is that guys this days are very risk-averse or indecisive or simply having double standards. They want to date beautiful, smart and intelligent girls. When they like somebody they become hell bent on making the girl fall in love with them and once she starts reciprocating they can't stand up to their parents or try to convince them that he would like to spend his life with the girl. It would be too much of a benefit of doubt for the guys if its assumed that he didn't know what his parents would or wouldn't approve of. If he knew what his parents wouldn't approve of why did he go after the girl and hurt his and her feelings eventually. Some would say promises are made to be broken. A little forethought or introspection could have avoided lot of broken hearts, broken promises and nasty arguments between parents and their kids. If he didn't have the courage to go against his parents wishes then going after a girl was it an attempt to show off his masculine ego or was it just peer pressure...
I can only pray for those girls who fall in love with such guys....
Then there is the other kind who want a girl to have every quality which he wants and his parents want in his life partner. Isn't it too much to ask from a girl. She has to work and take care of his parents, kids. She has to be beautiful and yet if other men look at her its because of her fault...She should have a good sense of dressing and should be presentable to his boss,colleagues and his friends and yet cover her head and face when she is meeting her in-laws. She should be expert in home-making and should keep her office problems away from home...Come on, women are not built that way! If a man brings office work to home its understood, cut throat competition, deadlines etc. but if a woman does that she is ignoring her family...doesn't the same rules apply for both men and women in work life? People might say that women tend to extract unfair advantages in work-space because of their sex but research also says women also has to work much more smartly and effectively to reach to higher management positions to show what they are worth or to be treated as equals. When the characteristics on the checklist of the parents and the guy are at two opposite ends of the spectrum it becomes difficult to find someone. I have friends like that who keep cribbing about such situations. With all due respect can't they give a little thought why are they marrying...Is it for themselves or for their parents? Is it for company or is it a care-provider for their parents? Be realistic you can't get everything!! Its the girl who is leaving her comfort zone and trying to make your family her family. She is going through a transition, not a guy!! Any well-meaning girl if given respect,love and understanding would try to love her in-laws and take care of them but it takes time. Doesn't happen overnight.
I couldn't stop myself from bringing this uncomfortable point. What is the big achievement in marrying a virgin girl? Just because a girl's virginity could be assessed through a non-reliable phenomenon and a guy's virginity can't be assessed through anyway it becomes a major concern. I understand unsafe intercourse could cause much more problems for a girl rather than a guy but if she wants to experience it before marriage its her own free will. How would it matter to her life partner at a later point of life. People might say sex and love gets intertwined for a woman but not for a man. Somehow I don't agree to this statement. Guys do get emotionally involved after sleeping with a woman. If that wasn't the case then why does some marriages end in divorce because of extra-marital affairs? A guy if given an opportunity could exercise his own free will and nobody asks him before marriage. It becomes a matter of conquest for him but a shame for a girl...If a woman is comparing her husband with her former sexual partner then isn't the guy doing the same thing! I don't seem to understand how does it make a difference if one has had former sexual partners or not. Isn't the sensual desires or urges same for a man and a woman? If she is supposed to abstain why isn't he supposed to abstain and why isn't he questioned about his sexual escapades or flings but a girl has to answer.
At this point I feel I am living in a society which is yet to treat a man and a woman similarly. Marriage is a complementary union of two different persons. So when there is a stark difference between the treatment of two people then how could a marriage work with a healthy feeling of equivalence but not a mute acceptance of one's own subjugate role, position in a relationship??
There is a Sanskrit sloka which forces me to think that are Indian guys or men somehow unconsciously being driven by this desire of an ideal wife...The sloka goes like this "Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri; Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha; Roopeshu Lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri; Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni "
An ideal wife should work like a servant, advise like a minister, feed like a mother, make love like an apsara, should be beautiful like lakshmi and forgiving like mother earth...
I mean really are you marrying a woman or a superwoman. No where in this sloka there is a mention that a wife is your equal and if you have flaws and weaknesses she might have some too...Don't women marry lazy, stupid or ugly guys? They do, then how can the same lazy or stupid or ugly guy expect everything out of his wife. One might say the girl may had been stupid to marry such a stupid or lazy guy but let's think about it for a moment how many girls in our society actually get to actually choose or reject a guy. In my own case my father says you don't have the privilege of rejecting a guy based on his looks or education. Being a supposedly "good obedient daughter" I can't reply back and just wonder if the guy is doing the same thing after looking at my photograph or my education then why can't I...What special or unique thing he has which I or any other girl seems to lack...Why should we settle for something lesser when the guy or his parents is not compromising on his wishlist of his ideal wife or life partner. If a girl rejects guys she is being choosy or snobbish and if guy does the same he is taking his time or being careful. The whole concept of swayamvara in Hindu mythology seems to have vanished in our times. Why does the society take the values or norms from mythology which benefit them and forget the ones where their position gets undermined...
If she goes on to choose someone she thinks is her ideal life partner or has more or less everything which needs from a life partner then the parents have to make a huge fuss about it and sometimes leading to adverse scenarios. I understand that parents may be genuinely concerned about the choice of their daughter's life partner but outrightly rejecting him without even meeting him once or talking to him once on reasons like caste, region, community, status is totally unasked for. Not everyone is ignorant or naive this days. Parents have lot much more experience in wordly matters but then there were many things which didn't even exist or happen during their times but happens today.
The troubling fact which seems to come strikingly in front of me again and again is that guys this days are very risk-averse or indecisive or simply having double standards. They want to date beautiful, smart and intelligent girls. When they like somebody they become hell bent on making the girl fall in love with them and once she starts reciprocating they can't stand up to their parents or try to convince them that he would like to spend his life with the girl. It would be too much of a benefit of doubt for the guys if its assumed that he didn't know what his parents would or wouldn't approve of. If he knew what his parents wouldn't approve of why did he go after the girl and hurt his and her feelings eventually. Some would say promises are made to be broken. A little forethought or introspection could have avoided lot of broken hearts, broken promises and nasty arguments between parents and their kids. If he didn't have the courage to go against his parents wishes then going after a girl was it an attempt to show off his masculine ego or was it just peer pressure...
I can only pray for those girls who fall in love with such guys....
Then there is the other kind who want a girl to have every quality which he wants and his parents want in his life partner. Isn't it too much to ask from a girl. She has to work and take care of his parents, kids. She has to be beautiful and yet if other men look at her its because of her fault...She should have a good sense of dressing and should be presentable to his boss,colleagues and his friends and yet cover her head and face when she is meeting her in-laws. She should be expert in home-making and should keep her office problems away from home...Come on, women are not built that way! If a man brings office work to home its understood, cut throat competition, deadlines etc. but if a woman does that she is ignoring her family...doesn't the same rules apply for both men and women in work life? People might say that women tend to extract unfair advantages in work-space because of their sex but research also says women also has to work much more smartly and effectively to reach to higher management positions to show what they are worth or to be treated as equals. When the characteristics on the checklist of the parents and the guy are at two opposite ends of the spectrum it becomes difficult to find someone. I have friends like that who keep cribbing about such situations. With all due respect can't they give a little thought why are they marrying...Is it for themselves or for their parents? Is it for company or is it a care-provider for their parents? Be realistic you can't get everything!! Its the girl who is leaving her comfort zone and trying to make your family her family. She is going through a transition, not a guy!! Any well-meaning girl if given respect,love and understanding would try to love her in-laws and take care of them but it takes time. Doesn't happen overnight.
I couldn't stop myself from bringing this uncomfortable point. What is the big achievement in marrying a virgin girl? Just because a girl's virginity could be assessed through a non-reliable phenomenon and a guy's virginity can't be assessed through anyway it becomes a major concern. I understand unsafe intercourse could cause much more problems for a girl rather than a guy but if she wants to experience it before marriage its her own free will. How would it matter to her life partner at a later point of life. People might say sex and love gets intertwined for a woman but not for a man. Somehow I don't agree to this statement. Guys do get emotionally involved after sleeping with a woman. If that wasn't the case then why does some marriages end in divorce because of extra-marital affairs? A guy if given an opportunity could exercise his own free will and nobody asks him before marriage. It becomes a matter of conquest for him but a shame for a girl...If a woman is comparing her husband with her former sexual partner then isn't the guy doing the same thing! I don't seem to understand how does it make a difference if one has had former sexual partners or not. Isn't the sensual desires or urges same for a man and a woman? If she is supposed to abstain why isn't he supposed to abstain and why isn't he questioned about his sexual escapades or flings but a girl has to answer.
At this point I feel I am living in a society which is yet to treat a man and a woman similarly. Marriage is a complementary union of two different persons. So when there is a stark difference between the treatment of two people then how could a marriage work with a healthy feeling of equivalence but not a mute acceptance of one's own subjugate role, position in a relationship??
