It's been a long year that I didn't feel strongly something wrong with the institution of marriage in India. The major reason being, I was more focused on explaining my thesis to hundred of participants all across India rather than putting my mind to understand the institution of marriage.
I was having an interesting discussion with my friends and colleagues this evening that when a prospective job candidate applies and gets interviewed for a job, should he/ she be informed that he/she has been rejected or maybe that the hiring firm is not able to take the decision. What is the usual time one candidate should wait before he/she assumes that he/she has been rejected? The general consensus is a candidate deserves the courtesy of being informed that whether he/ she has been rejected or rather they need some more time to reach a conclusion as they are considering more profiles.
When I translate the same situation to a typical arranged marriage situation why is there a general norm of not informing the prospective bride/bridegroom that she/ he is being rejected or may be on hold. When I asked my friends when they initiate the process of their marriage; assuming that they expect organizations and institutions to inform them of their job application status, then similarly they should inform the prospective bride/ bridegroom of their status. I sensed a slight reluctance on the idea.
I do understand that getting a job or getting a wife/husband are two different situations. But does it obviate the basic courtesy or respect of informing the parents and their children that your daughter /son is not what we are looking for? In a typical job situation where the turnaround time could be something from 3 months to 6 months, prospective candidates may not wait for companies who aren't telling them of their status and join some other organization. But in a typical arranged marriage scenario, people could be searching for their partners for more than a year and might still be expecting some information.
Is it that we as humans or specifically Indians for that matter avoid saying "No"? Or is it that we want to explore everything possible in our limited means before saying "No" because our son/daughter is the best and deserve the best? Aren't we all aware that in most cases decisions need to be made with limited information?
Or is it that we don't think she/he is the perfect match at this point of time and we may or may not consider her/him at a later point of time if nothing perfect comes by? Doesn't it mean in certain way that the prospective bride / bridegroom was not the first choice but we might settle for the second choice? Maybe I have a very strong sense of ego but I wouldn't like to accept such a situation where I know that I belong to the less liked category. There would also be the argument that assuming there was a match between a given prospective bride and bridegroom and inspite of looking around at other profiles by one of the partners ( which he or she eventually didn't like),it reinforces the belief that there was a match in the first place and hence makes the bond stronger.
Just like there is a new terminology in organizations that we don't want the best candidates, we want the right candidates for organizations. Similarly prospective bridegrooms/ brides would seek for right wives/ husbands rather than best wives/ husbands. I still feel that in this case too, if I don't look like the right partner at the initial phase and maybe one year down the lane I might look like a right partner in the changed situation. What is the chances that 2 years down the marriage, my spouse again feels that I am not the right partner. Then we both are stuck!! Of course divorce is one recourse to come out of it. But I can devote one more post on the pains of going through a divorce...
I still argue that in both cases, in our limited capabilities one should inform the opposite party that either you are rejected or on hold and maybe consider giving them a timeline. I understand it sounds too much to ask for. Thankfully, people are experienced enough to know that if they don't hear back say in 2 weeks or a month then she/he didn't make the coveted list. People might also argue that in a marriage situation families don't have the bandwidth to make return calls unlike an organization. However, I still feel what is the harm in saying the truth. The only downfall I see that I can't visit that profile again in my changed perception of reality and my pool of possible options shrinks in size. For me it only makes my decision-making process easier...
