This were the exact words which my brother threw at me when I said to him that the groom (my friend) got an expensive new car as a dowry. I was at loss of words. Should I walk away from the wedding and lose face with my friend forever or should I try to defend my friend that what he did was something beyond his control??
I could do neither. I acted like any other pragmatic person at that point of time and became party or witness to one of the most demeaning practices of Indian weddings. I was at war with myself!! On one side I was a human who wants to be social and on the other side it was me who resists patriarchy and demands equity for girls/women in every space possible. To pacify the feminist in me I decided that I wouldn't go for any more weddings where there is any kind of dowry being accepted by either of the sides at the cost of losing my friendship. To ensure that I don't get a surprise after I reach the wedding venue, I would clarify in the very beginning with either of the sides regarding this practice.
But would this ensure that people atleast in my circle stop accepting dowry! Maybe not and I might lose some very good friends over time. However, I feel I would rather not be friends with such people who are voluntarily or involuntarily accepting dowry. I find it hard to understand that inspite of a law against dowry in India why do people still accept it. There is not much to be said about the ones who accept it because they demanded it. They are beyond repair. What about those who are accepting it maybe with some degree of coercion. Is it that we are avoiding a battle with our parents or is it that we will lose respect or value among our family or society that we were in reality cheap to secure? I can't blame my friend much here because all of us tend to value and care for things which comes at a cost.
I started wondering does the girl think in the same way too. Few months back a junior had mentioned to me that her sister ( professional woman) demanded quite a few things to ensure that she is respected and well cared for in her in-laws family inspite of the groom's family not explicitly asking for anything. So in one way dowry is giving a certain value to the groom as well as the bride but the flow of money or gifts is happening in just one direction. The bride is getting something intangible say respect, status or love. The fact that it is intangible makes her less powerful in this transaction as my definition of respect or love could be totally different from yours and I have already done the payment upfront. After all money or liquid assets vests power to its bearer and who wouldn't want to be the powerful party in any transaction!!
And I lose the battle for equity not because my friend accepted it but when the girl was willing to give away her parents hard earned money for securing her respect, status or love from her in-laws.
I could do neither. I acted like any other pragmatic person at that point of time and became party or witness to one of the most demeaning practices of Indian weddings. I was at war with myself!! On one side I was a human who wants to be social and on the other side it was me who resists patriarchy and demands equity for girls/women in every space possible. To pacify the feminist in me I decided that I wouldn't go for any more weddings where there is any kind of dowry being accepted by either of the sides at the cost of losing my friendship. To ensure that I don't get a surprise after I reach the wedding venue, I would clarify in the very beginning with either of the sides regarding this practice.
But would this ensure that people atleast in my circle stop accepting dowry! Maybe not and I might lose some very good friends over time. However, I feel I would rather not be friends with such people who are voluntarily or involuntarily accepting dowry. I find it hard to understand that inspite of a law against dowry in India why do people still accept it. There is not much to be said about the ones who accept it because they demanded it. They are beyond repair. What about those who are accepting it maybe with some degree of coercion. Is it that we are avoiding a battle with our parents or is it that we will lose respect or value among our family or society that we were in reality cheap to secure? I can't blame my friend much here because all of us tend to value and care for things which comes at a cost.
I started wondering does the girl think in the same way too. Few months back a junior had mentioned to me that her sister ( professional woman) demanded quite a few things to ensure that she is respected and well cared for in her in-laws family inspite of the groom's family not explicitly asking for anything. So in one way dowry is giving a certain value to the groom as well as the bride but the flow of money or gifts is happening in just one direction. The bride is getting something intangible say respect, status or love. The fact that it is intangible makes her less powerful in this transaction as my definition of respect or love could be totally different from yours and I have already done the payment upfront. After all money or liquid assets vests power to its bearer and who wouldn't want to be the powerful party in any transaction!!
And I lose the battle for equity not because my friend accepted it but when the girl was willing to give away her parents hard earned money for securing her respect, status or love from her in-laws.
