Infidelity...the deal breaker!

Since the time when I started writing this blog, I had been meaning to write about infidelity. This post and maybe the subsequent ones comes with a disclaimer that being a woman, I have come across more men cheating rather than women cheating their partners. Hence there is an increased likelihood that statements might come across as biased.

Reading Allan and Barbara Pease's couple of books, I have come to accept that men tend to be polygamous in nature. Attraction towards the other sex is understood. But the thin line people cross from attraction to infidelity is something which I continue to struggle with. There could be so many reasons or excuses to do so but then why the false portrayal that everything is perfect in our marriage except to the third person with whom you are committing the adultery with. Excuses can go to such level where the definition of adultery can be changed fitting to the situation. My personal experience says that people at times engage in adultery just for the sake of it, there is no reason or excuse.

I am no one to understand which reason is genuine or not but logic says if its genuine, people will try to end the marriage. But if its an excuse, then it's unlikely the termination would happen. Maybe some people are completely fine with such sort of arrangements which makes it evident that people don't respect marriage, the institution and it doesn't seem to serve much purpose.  However, there would be some people who suffer in the negativity, in the incessant wait and the endless compromise ( specially for the third person who continues to be single and the unknowing partner who is being cheated on). To complicate it further, there is a general tendency to prosecute the cheating partner and the third person but have we ever thought what kind of picture was portrayed to the third person. Of course, we can all claim in this age that its not difficult to find the truth but it's equally very easy to create a different reality!!

It is equally struggling for me to internalize the reality that people cheat their partners even after getting married to their sweethearts. The person who loves and accepts you in entirety, isn't it fair to deliver the truth to them ourselves rather than making them go through the agony of self-doubt or uncertainty. Maybe the general tendency of avoiding to be the bearer of bad news makes us commit such hurtful behaviors. But it's also the huge ego which we carry that I can have best of both worlds without hurting anybody or getting caught. The tendency to not hurt anyone fails to work when people fail to think from the other person's point of view. The want of instant gratification doesn't help the case either. Then there is technology which makes it all the more easier to cheat and also more likely to get caught!!

Though technology epitomizes advancement of our civilization but maybe we continue to be our primitive selves. The growth of civilization gives us a choice but fails to create a conscience to not disrespect boundaries. Laws or norms fail to keep us from committing unacceptable behaviors. Rather there isn't anything unacceptable as such because of our shifting realities or for that matter shifting definitions. And hence, the utility of marriage comes under question! Yes, people will always justify marriage is necessary to raise the next generation. And we should let people exercise their personal choice to marry and not to marry...

Admitting

Maybe the time has come
To say, to admit;
That I can't wait forever,
When you continue to ignore me.
That I can't be strong forever,
When you chose to lie to me.

Even when I can't say it aloud
I want to be held tight,
In your sweet smelling embrace
Assuring me to trust you,
With my life, with my dreams.

Yes, it's time
To abandon the courage to trust ever.
Attempting to rescue the breath,
By closing the doors of my soul,
Because you made me lose myself forever...

Puzzling!!

Reason or chance?
It can't be a trance.
Deserving or gift?
So long searched for it.
Today or tomorrow?
Love is the other side of sorrow.
Truth or reality?
Show me the possibility.
Beginning or end?
Wishing my love to transcend...

Request!

From the innocent desire to bring a smile on your face,

To the abysmal silences between;

I see a mirage of misunderstandings,

Which ego's only breathe life into;

To a friend, to a confidante who makes me love myself more,

I make an earnest request;

Question my words, question my actions,

Before you push me into the shadows of self-doubt and fear of who I am...

You are On Hold!!

It's been a long year that I didn't feel strongly something wrong with the institution of marriage in India. The major reason being, I was more focused on explaining my thesis to hundred of participants all across India rather than putting my mind to understand the institution of marriage.

I was having an interesting discussion with my friends and colleagues this evening that when a prospective job candidate applies and gets interviewed for a job, should he/ she be informed that he/she has been rejected or maybe that the hiring firm is not able to take the decision. What is the usual time one candidate should wait before he/she assumes that he/she has been rejected? The general consensus is a candidate deserves the courtesy of being informed that whether he/ she has been rejected or rather they need some more time to reach a conclusion as they are considering more profiles.

When I translate the same situation to a typical arranged marriage situation why is there a general norm of not informing the prospective bride/bridegroom that she/ he is being rejected or may be on hold. When I asked my friends when they initiate the process of their marriage; assuming that they expect organizations and institutions to inform them of their job application status, then similarly they should inform the prospective bride/ bridegroom of their status. I sensed a slight reluctance on the idea.

I do understand that getting a job or getting a wife/husband are two different situations. But does it obviate the basic courtesy or respect of informing the parents and their children that your daughter /son is not what we are looking for? In a typical job situation where the turnaround time could be something from 3 months to 6 months, prospective candidates may not wait for companies who aren't telling them of their status and join some other organization. But in a typical arranged marriage scenario, people could be searching for their partners for more than a year and might still be expecting some information.

Is it that we as humans or specifically Indians for that matter avoid saying "No"? Or is it that we want to explore everything possible in our limited means before saying "No" because our son/daughter is the best and deserve the best? Aren't we all aware that in most cases decisions need to be made with limited information?  

Or is it that we don't think she/he is the perfect match at this point of time and we may or may not consider her/him at a later point of time if nothing perfect comes by? Doesn't it mean in certain way that the prospective bride / bridegroom was not the first choice but we might settle for the second choice? Maybe I have a very strong sense of ego but I wouldn't like to accept such a situation where I know that I belong to the less liked category. There would also be the argument that assuming there was a match between a given prospective bride and bridegroom and inspite of looking around at other profiles by one of the partners ( which he or she eventually didn't like),it reinforces the belief that there was a match in the first place and hence makes the bond stronger.

Just like there is a new terminology in organizations that we don't want the best candidates, we want the right candidates for organizations. Similarly prospective bridegrooms/ brides would seek for right wives/ husbands rather than best wives/ husbands. I still feel that in this case too, if I don't look like the right partner at the initial phase and maybe one year down the lane I might look like a right partner in the changed situation. What is the chances that 2 years down the marriage, my spouse again feels that I am not the right partner. Then we both are stuck!! Of course divorce is one recourse to come out of it. But I can devote one more post on the pains of going through a divorce...

I still argue that in both cases, in our limited capabilities one should inform the opposite party that either you are rejected or on hold and maybe consider giving them a timeline. I understand it sounds too much to ask for. Thankfully, people are experienced enough to know that if they don't hear back say in 2 weeks or a month then she/he didn't make the coveted list. People might also argue that in a marriage situation families don't have the bandwidth to make return calls unlike an organization. However, I still feel what is the harm in saying the truth. The only downfall I see that I can't visit that profile again in my changed perception of reality and my pool of possible options shrinks in size. For me it only makes my decision-making process easier...

New Beginnings

For the steps taken together,

Which didn't need direction;

For the heartfelt smiles shared within,

Which transcended all fears;

For the conversations,

Which marked the beginnings of my day;

For the melodies,

Which continue to ring in my ears;

For the stories of life,

Which never came to an end;

For all the first memories which I created with you,

Some I feel ecstatic about and some I abhor;

I can't ever bring my heart to bid farewell,

As there are many more firsts yet to be born...

Proof of being married!

Some days back I was watching a crime TV series, where a woman narrowly escapes an assault or probably her death because she notices a wedding band on the man who was getting cosy with her. She realizes that the man is lying and gets away from him. The giveaway for the criminal was the wedding band, a proof that he was married. Suddenly a question arised in my mind that what is the proof in our Indian society that a man is married. Unlike western communities there is no concept of wedding bands. There is the engagement ceremony in some communities where prospective bride and groom exchange rings. But I fail to notice engagement rings or wedding bands in most of married Indian men. My father, my uncles none of them wear those rings. Next time I meet my married friends from school and college, I will keep an eye on their ring fingers.

Unfortunately my question made me realize that Indian men are quite lucky to hide their marital status( if required) as there is no commonly acceptable compulsory proof on the man's attire to signify that he is married. But that's not the case with the Indian married woman. There is sindoor, mangalsutra, toe rings, bangles and I am sure there are more in that list. And she has to wear them. Maybe not all of them but she has to wear one or more of those insignia without any questions asked. And even if she has the audacity to question the custom of wearing the insignia, she is told that its the symbol that your marriage is alive and not wearing it would lead to the demise of the marriage. Crudely put, your husband would die if you don't wear it. Such stark unfairness perpetrated against married women. The marriage is between a man and a woman. It will die if any of the partner dies. It doesn't have to be the death of the husband only to signify the demise of the marriage.

Maybe, I went a little overboard. Even if for few moments I don't question such customs or norms or rules and accept them at face value, then also the question lingers isn't the life of the wife valuable for a husband. I am sure for most of us it is. Individual men would have their own ways to express it or value it. But why is it compulsory for women and voluntary for men? Some of my readers would say there are many women this days who chose not to wear those symbols of marriage. But don't many of us perceive them in a negative way.

I agree India had a history of polygamy and burning of widows on the pyres of their dead husbands. It didn't matter whether a man was married or not, he could always have another bride. Hence, no necessity of having an insignia on one's attire to proclaim that one is married. And for a woman either you are married or you are dead. But we have come a long way from all this. No polygamy and no sati legally. Can't we progress actually in our minds also to give this choice to the married woman of wearing or not wearing symbols of marriage. What I feel wearing or not wearing such insignia is just one of the ways of expressing how one values his or her marriage and be it man or woman both equally deserve the choice and freedom to express it.