Proof of being married!

Some days back I was watching a crime TV series, where a woman narrowly escapes an assault or probably her death because she notices a wedding band on the man who was getting cosy with her. She realizes that the man is lying and gets away from him. The giveaway for the criminal was the wedding band, a proof that he was married. Suddenly a question arised in my mind that what is the proof in our Indian society that a man is married. Unlike western communities there is no concept of wedding bands. There is the engagement ceremony in some communities where prospective bride and groom exchange rings. But I fail to notice engagement rings or wedding bands in most of married Indian men. My father, my uncles none of them wear those rings. Next time I meet my married friends from school and college, I will keep an eye on their ring fingers.

Unfortunately my question made me realize that Indian men are quite lucky to hide their marital status( if required) as there is no commonly acceptable compulsory proof on the man's attire to signify that he is married. But that's not the case with the Indian married woman. There is sindoor, mangalsutra, toe rings, bangles and I am sure there are more in that list. And she has to wear them. Maybe not all of them but she has to wear one or more of those insignia without any questions asked. And even if she has the audacity to question the custom of wearing the insignia, she is told that its the symbol that your marriage is alive and not wearing it would lead to the demise of the marriage. Crudely put, your husband would die if you don't wear it. Such stark unfairness perpetrated against married women. The marriage is between a man and a woman. It will die if any of the partner dies. It doesn't have to be the death of the husband only to signify the demise of the marriage.

Maybe, I went a little overboard. Even if for few moments I don't question such customs or norms or rules and accept them at face value, then also the question lingers isn't the life of the wife valuable for a husband. I am sure for most of us it is. Individual men would have their own ways to express it or value it. But why is it compulsory for women and voluntary for men? Some of my readers would say there are many women this days who chose not to wear those symbols of marriage. But don't many of us perceive them in a negative way.

I agree India had a history of polygamy and burning of widows on the pyres of their dead husbands. It didn't matter whether a man was married or not, he could always have another bride. Hence, no necessity of having an insignia on one's attire to proclaim that one is married. And for a woman either you are married or you are dead. But we have come a long way from all this. No polygamy and no sati legally. Can't we progress actually in our minds also to give this choice to the married woman of wearing or not wearing symbols of marriage. What I feel wearing or not wearing such insignia is just one of the ways of expressing how one values his or her marriage and be it man or woman both equally deserve the choice and freedom to express it.

Human beings are presumed rational and hence getting married should be a rational decision!!

Lately I have been dragging my friends in my blog posts and in this one too I can't leave them alone. Sorry friends!! The discussions with you and the life experiences force me to think and this blog is just the manifestation of my thoughts :-)

A friend of mine says the only reason or purpose of life is to reproduce and die. Every action or decision of ours is in alignment with this goal of life. Fair enough if we are to only reproduce and die then let me figure out how does marriage as an institution supports this overarching objective of life.

It goes without saying that any human being wouldn't like its creation to be bad or of inferior quality. In this special scenario the creation is not only the efforts and attributes of one single person but also depends on the partner. Hence both the partners would always strive to get the best of the opposite sex so that their creation is the best too. One of my other friends puts it nicely that I want to ensure my kid gets his/her genetic material from a woman who has a good genetic line. I totally agree to his point of view.

However, what happens to all those people whose attributes are not good enough. Either they have congenital defects like physical deformities or they are more vulnerable to certain diseases(ones which can't be completely cured) like diabetes, cancer, glaucoma etc. Hence in this rational decision-making process such people should not be chosen as partners to reproduce with. Who in his or her rightful mind would like to marry a person who has some bad genes and have a kid with some deformity!! I guess that's why our parents search for all great attributes in their prospective son or daughter-in-laws. In such a scenario such people would end up partnerless even if they want to have one and be stigmatized in the society because of no fault of theirs.

What happens when people fall in love? Does this same rational decision-making process continue consciously or sub-consciously? To be frank I don't know the answer to this question. Maybe it does or maybe it doesn't. Because if a human being is rational he/she would never willingly accept an inferior partner
and hence slowly the less fit people would be weeded out according to the famous Charles Darwin. I guess everyone has seen perfect babies born to physically challenged parents and perfect parents having babies with not so perfect attributes. Partly it can be explained by science and partly I guess destiny...

Is it right to say not being rational is being in love? Or is it right to say there is nothing called love because being in love defeats the only reason of existence...

Veer Zaara in reality....I don't know!!

This time I start with a short real-life story which gave me that push to settle those conflicting opinions about marriage in my head. I will admit it outright that there are many things which I don't know clearly about in this story and doesn't make me much of an objective person to pass any judgment on any thing...so please don't assume I m being judgmental here, I am just trying to resolve the questions raised!!

There is a smart, intelligent guy and there is a beautiful, intelligent girl with a lovely smile. I don't recollect but mostly they are of the same age. They lived in a small town and the parents of the guy and the girl knew each other. Both the guy and the girl would be in their mid 20s. I don't know whether they were in love with each other or not. Only thing I know is that the parents of the girl did try to get their daughter married to this guy. But the father of the guy objected to this alliance stating status, money and power differentials between the two families as the reason. The father of the guy was working in a higher designation compared to the father of the girl in the same organization. Its not the end of the story here. Guy gets married to a different girl and this girl gets married to a different fellow. I am not sure whether the guy made any protests in front of his parents when he was getting married for the first time. However, I am aware that this beautiful intelligent girl did try to resist it when she was getting married for the first time. But she gave in, I guess.

After 12 years, both the couples are divorced and the original guy and the girl get married. Meanwhile, the beautiful intelligent girl has a son and she gets more qualified earning a doctorate. No clue whether the guy had any kid or not and what he did with his career. Some of my readers or the spectators of this event would say its a beautiful ending as they are united after a long wait of 12 years. In that case I assume people are of the assumption that they did have feelings for each other which were suppressed but weren't dead and resurfaced when they were again single. When I first heard of this marriage the movie Veer Zaara came into my mind where the couple gets united after 27years long wait (actor is in jail for a crime he didnt commit and the actress was forced to marry a guy her father decided for a political alliance and then divorces him immediately).

There would also be different opinions that if there were mutual feelings between the guy and the girl they were kept alive all through this 12 years and those feelings are the only reasons their individual divorces happened. Keeping their feelings alive they trampled the hearts and lives of their respective partners and are giving a bad example to their kids. While writing this there are so many troubling arguments in my mind, I might get off-track at times. So please bear :)

This time around the father of the guy gave his blessings for this marriage which he so vehemently objected 12 years before because of such inconsequential reasons(according to me atleast). What had changed in this 12 years that his reasoning made a U-turn? I think people would say I am opinionated but if it had not been his objection for a useless reason in the very first place this couple would have been married in the very first place and maybe not led to the unhappy endings of the respective partners(maybe the partners better off now)  Not one person I shared this story with said one word against this father's actions. Is it because he is too old now to make his wishes enforced and had to give his acceptance grudgingly so he is not to blame...

Now the guy...though I hardly know him but if he did have feelings in the past did he try to protest against his father?? I think he should have. If he had feelings and he didn't then I don't have words for him because I know people personally who wait for ages to be together with the person they actually love. Nothing filmy here... At one time I felt didn't he behave opportunistically. After all, he rejected this girl and her family and married someone else. Once his marriage failed and then when he realized this lady is available lets get back to her. One would say maybe he never rejected her, the situation was so that the didn't have control and had to give in and this time when he had the opportunity he wanted to do what his heart truly wished for. Could very well be the case... I guess we are mostly the puppets of  situations which we are in :(

The girl...when I look back at this whole story I feel she might had felt something for our guy from the begining. But did she keep it alive all this 12 years, no one except her could be the true judge of that. My argument here is even if there was something is keeping it alive wrong?? If I love somebody with the conviction that he or she can make me happy and I trust the person more than I trust myself then I feel its really difficult to just kill it completely. I think I am able to say it because I have been living through this for the past six months and inspite of numerous tries to just let it go I just can't do it. The first thing everyone says is to move on but move on to what?? A different person whom I would inevitably compare with the one I felt I was destined to be with or to loneliness. Loneliness because I had made him a part of my existence and however much I try nothing or no one can be a part of that existence of mine!! Comparison seems to be wrong but it is natural and inevitable in our brains. Then how do we say it is wrong??

Is moving on a sign of strength and holding on to my feelings a sign of weakness?? And just because everyone wishes me to be perceived as strong so moving on is the right thing to do because if I don't move on I m being unfair to the person I am presently with. Someone said that this girl going back to the guy and the family who rejected her once shows her sense of self-respect is low. To a certain extent, I do feel its justified but when I love a person with such a conviction and I only truly understand that why this union didn't take place in the very first place then this whole sense of self-respect or dignity takes a backseat and no one else can say anything on it. If two people love and trust each other then they would regard each other's dignity much higher than their own's...This again I am saying because I have felt it so deeply that my mind always gives in to my heart and makes me forget everything about my self-respect and I guess that's what true love is and till date my love has never failed me on it even if he is married now.

Its also true that when one gets married keeping such feelings alive are very difficult once you get engrossed in your own small world. My own experience...if they are true somehow they survive the test of time or maybe people find a way to keep it alive.However do we actually have control to keep those feelings alive? This is something which I fail to understand. If they are meant to die they will but what if they aren't?? Isn't there a reason for everything good or bad happening in our lives which can't be understood everytime. Does it mean that my marriage is baseless from its very begining and hence those feelings are alive. Or is it because those feelings are alive that's why I am not giving my hundred percent to my marriage and thats I find it unfulfilling...Chicken and Egg ;-)

I don't know what the situation was with this girl's 1st marriage from the begining. Staying together, trying to make it work and then failing after 12 years. Whats wrong in it?? Don't people stay in meaningless marriages for years or maybe all their lives. Couples fall out of love too when everything seems perfect. Everybody isn't same. Some people just snap and can't live it further...

I don't see a point in others deciding or influencing how to live with my partner however much experienced they are because they don't live my life. I live it myself every moment....

Marriage and an unending responsibility of keeping everybody satisfied and happy...

To begin with, I dedicate this entry to my first roommate Neha who is getting married today. Fact is even though I am not there with her in her special moment, I am really happy that she is marrying the person she loves after a wait of quite a long time. May god bless her with all the joys she could ever imagine of :-)

The unfortunate thing is when I share such piece of news with my folks it backfires. They ask what is wrong with you. One thing which my mother has correctly guessed is our generation doesn't want to take responsibilities, be it a girl or a boy. No offense to all those readers who are shouldering a lot of responsibilities happily but I am sure there are quite a few(like me ofcourse) who avoid taking different responsibilities of their own volition.

Few days back I heard about a couple seeking divorce because the wife has not transformed herself completely from a girlfriend to a wife, a mother, a cook, and a house-keeper. Fact is the wife is a working woman with a 5 year old son and it was a love marriage. Seems quite easy to expect so many different roles from your wife. Maybe we are among the last generations which has seen their mothers (mostly housewives) cooking, house-keepering, welcoming hosts and waiting for her husbands every evening/night with a smile on her face. Unfortunately, things are not completely the same. Most girls getting professional degrees would like to have their own career and a source of income. And if a day has 24 hours for the husband, it definitely has 24 hours for the wife too. If a guy is so appreciative of his sister working, his female colleague working then what is the problem with the wife working. It doesn't end here.

Apart from the household's numerous roles with its responsibilities there are other social roles which comes in the form of husband's family members, relatives, friends which needs to be fulfilled dutifully . And unfortunately in the initial phases when the bride is struggling the most to accustom herself in the new environment, there are people who are waiting to find faults if such roles are not fulfilled to their expectations. And who will convey the expectations to her...ofcourse not any one of them. She should have some divine vision to anticipate their expectations and fulfill them. Someone would like to stop me here and say in India marriages are between two families, not two people only. My counter question is how many times has the husband been blamed for not fulfiiling his new social roles. I remember one incident when I had a get-together with my school friends and everybody came with their spouses except one girl. Her husband was not in office, he was just staying back at home. They didn't have a kid. She didn't have dinner with us as she was supposed to go back, cook and have dinner with her husband. We felt bad that she couldn't stay with us for dinner as we were meeting after 14 years. Though I ignored it then but I questioned myself later had it been a guy and his wife wouldn't have come over would we have just ignored the matter like that or would the guy have skipped dinner with his friends....I am not sure what is the answer. Depends on person to person completely but I have a feeling chances of the same thing happening which happened with my friend are pretty slim...

Coming back to my mother's categorical statement that our generation doesn't want to take responsibilities, my answer would be I am not prepared for it (maybe intentionally I don't myself to get prepared ever ;-) ). When I am already overwhelmed with my present situation and facing troubles in making everybody happy, why would I like to take on more roles and more responsibilities to make things worse( its not easy to make everybody happy and the reality is this days people don't get satisified easily). . Maybe everyone is not cut out for so much roles in life. One would argue that in a workplace employees seek challenging assignments, more responsibilities, different roles etc. In return they get promotions, recognition, bonuses etc. What does the wife get after putting in so much...financial stability,  respect, love of her husband and his family members....My argument for this question would be:
If she is working financial stability is not a big incentive for her...
If someone has seen the movie English Vinglish, one would realize how many Indian husbands respect their wives who are not working and if she is working then chances of fault-finding in domestic responsibilities are much more higher
And isn't love supposed to be unconditional....

What men want from a marriage??

If the girl or woman is at fault of asking or expecting too much from her life partner then it doesn't mean that no fault lies within the guy or the man. I might be biased at this juncture being a female but much of my words are coming from my own experiences or from what I am observing and listening to.

There is a Sanskrit sloka which forces me to think that are Indian guys or men somehow unconsciously being driven by this desire of an ideal wife...The sloka goes like this "Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri; Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha; Roopeshu Lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri; Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni "
An ideal wife should work like a servant, advise like a minister, feed like a mother, make love like an apsara, should be beautiful like lakshmi and forgiving like mother earth...

I mean really are you marrying a woman or a superwoman. No where in this sloka there is a mention that a wife is your equal and if you have flaws and weaknesses she might have some too...Don't women marry lazy, stupid or ugly guys? They do, then how can the same lazy or stupid or ugly guy expect everything out of his wife. One might say the girl may had been stupid to marry such a stupid or lazy guy but let's think about it for a moment how many girls in our society actually get to actually choose or reject a guy. In my own case my father says you don't have the privilege of rejecting a guy based on his looks or education. Being a supposedly "good obedient daughter" I can't reply back and just wonder if the guy is doing the same thing after looking at my photograph or my education then why can't I...What special or unique thing he has which I or any other girl seems to lack...Why should we settle for something lesser when the guy or his parents is not compromising on his wishlist of his ideal wife or life partner. If a girl rejects guys she is being choosy or snobbish and if  guy does the same he is taking his time or being careful. The whole concept of swayamvara in Hindu mythology seems to have vanished in our times. Why does the society take the values or norms from mythology which benefit them and forget the ones where their position gets undermined...

If she goes on to choose someone she thinks is her ideal life partner or has more or less everything which needs from a life partner then the parents have to make a huge fuss about it and sometimes leading to adverse scenarios. I understand that parents may be genuinely concerned about the choice of their daughter's life partner but outrightly rejecting him without even meeting him once or talking to him once on reasons like caste, region, community, status is totally unasked for. Not everyone is ignorant or naive this days. Parents have lot much more experience in wordly matters but then there were many things which didn't even exist or happen during their times but happens today.

The troubling fact which seems to come strikingly in front of me again and again is that guys this days are very risk-averse or indecisive or simply having double standards. They want to date beautiful, smart and intelligent girls. When they like somebody they become hell bent on making the girl fall in love with them and once she starts reciprocating they can't stand up to their parents or try to convince them that he would like to spend his life with the girl. It would be too much of a benefit of doubt for the guys if its assumed that he didn't know what his parents would or wouldn't approve of. If he knew what his parents wouldn't approve of why did he go after the girl and hurt his and her feelings eventually. Some would say promises are made to be broken. A little forethought or introspection could have avoided lot of broken hearts, broken promises and nasty arguments between parents and their kids. If he didn't have the courage to go against his parents wishes then going after a girl was it an attempt to show off his masculine ego or was it just peer pressure...
I can only pray for those girls who fall in love with such guys....

Then there is the other kind who want a girl to have every quality which he wants and his parents want in his life partner. Isn't it too much to ask from a girl. She has to work and take care of his parents, kids. She has to be beautiful and yet if other men look at her its because of her fault...She should have a good sense of dressing and should be presentable to his boss,colleagues and his friends and yet cover her head and face when she is meeting her in-laws. She should be expert in home-making and should keep her office problems away from home...Come on, women are not built that way! If a man brings office work to home its understood, cut throat competition, deadlines etc. but if a woman does that she is ignoring her family...doesn't the same rules apply for both men and women in work life? People might say that women tend to extract unfair advantages in work-space because of their sex but research also says women also has to work much more smartly and effectively to reach to higher management positions to show what they are worth or to be treated as equals. When the characteristics on the checklist of the parents and the guy are at two opposite ends of the spectrum it becomes difficult to find someone. I have friends like that who keep cribbing about such situations. With all due respect can't they give a little thought why are they marrying...Is it for themselves or for their parents? Is it for company or is it a care-provider for their parents? Be realistic you can't get everything!! Its the girl who is leaving her comfort zone and trying to make your family her family. She is going through a transition, not a guy!! Any well-meaning girl if given respect,love and understanding would try to love her in-laws and take care of them but it takes time. Doesn't happen overnight.

I couldn't stop myself from bringing this uncomfortable point. What is the big achievement in marrying a virgin girl?  Just because a girl's virginity could be assessed through a non-reliable phenomenon and a guy's virginity can't be assessed through anyway it becomes a major concern. I understand unsafe intercourse could cause much more problems for a girl rather than a guy but if she wants to experience it before marriage its her own free will. How would it matter to her life partner at a later point of life. People might say sex and love gets intertwined for a woman but not for a man. Somehow I don't agree to this statement. Guys do get emotionally involved after sleeping with a woman. If that wasn't the case then why does some marriages end in divorce because of extra-marital affairs?  A guy if given an opportunity could exercise his own free will and nobody asks him before marriage. It becomes a matter of conquest for him but a shame for a girl...If a woman is comparing her husband with her former sexual partner then isn't the guy doing the same thing! I don't seem to understand how does it make a difference if one has had former sexual partners or not. Isn't the sensual desires or urges same for a man and a woman? If she is supposed to abstain why isn't he supposed to abstain and why isn't he questioned about his sexual escapades or flings but a girl has to answer.

At this point I feel I am living in a society which is yet to treat a man and a woman similarly. Marriage is a complementary union of two different persons. So when there is a stark difference between the treatment of two people then how could a marriage work with a healthy feeling of equivalence but not a mute acceptance of one's own subjugate role, position in a relationship??

What does marriage stand for??

Once a boy or a girl decides to get married seeking company for whole life what is his or her expectations? Primitive man wanted a wife to cook his food, satisfy his physical needs and take care of his family. A woman wanted her husband to be the bread winner, take care of her security as she is biologically weaker(the debate continues) and also satisfy her physical needs. I don't feel much has changed in all this expectations just the manifestation has changed significantly.

A girl seeks understanding, loyalty, financial stability. Financial stability was required because the husband was supposed to ensure the food, clothing and shelter of the wife. But this days expectations with respect to financial stability has no limits. If a woman is working why does she have to be concerned with her spouse's bank balance? I understand taking a break during childbirth and rearing stops her income but one can always plan looking into the present and expected future conditions. What are they looking for company for life or for a trophy to be displayed. Its another thing to be proud of your partner but its another thing when your total existence becomes contingent on his financial assets...

Next entry would definitely be for the guys to feel the axe!!

Whom do we marry for? Society or ourselves..

Maybe we can't live alone. But what is the probability that the person we are getting married to would be with us till we breathe our last. He or she may die before us or just leave us for some or the other reason. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try. After all every improvement in our lives has happened because some of us kept on trying.

Here comes one of my major issues with the society which doesn't seem to get solved. Maybe it could pertain to only conservative or orthodox societies but it does exist. Why is it a stigma to remarry if a person is a widow/widower or divorcee? He or she can't live alone. The marriage had failed or the partner has died. What's the harm in trying again?

I shouldn't get judgmental. Maybe the husband is a wife-abuser, no woman in her sane mind can live with him. Or the wife is such a nag, doubts her husband's fidelity day in and day out that no simple man can stay with her. There are always some extreme cases. I don't want to get into the issue of loyalty or extra-marital affairs right now. Will write about it or rather explore about it sometime later.

What goes wrong when when old parents want to remarry and their kids make a huge noise out of it. If the kids themselves have married seeking company for the rest of their lives why can't their old parents seek so when maybe they need a stronger support system both physically and emotionally. Kids start protesting and blame their parents of senescence...Strange is our society and its interpretations...

When we come across a divorcee our minds start wondering there was certainly something wrong with him or her that the marriage failed. Don't we fail in exams or tests? We do right and we pass in the next attempt or maybe in the subsequent attempts. If we continuously fail, we realize that its something which we can't do and stop trying. Same could happen in this case and if it can happen to you it can certainly happen to me. So I feel
we should always be open to those broken hearts whose marriages failed and then try understand or pass opinions when we know the whole story.