ISOLATION is the flip side of the coin whose one side is LOVE...

 I read a book titled "Maybe You Should Talk To Someone" written by Lori Gottlieb and came across the idea of ultimate concerns, namely death, isolation, freedom and meaningfulness. The word ISOLATION hit me hard as if a giant boulder fell on my head. Why?? It's because I have reached a juncture in life where I am not sharing my feelings, experiences with anyone except a therapist. Not that I don't have parents, sibling, friends, colleagues or a partner. Everyone is out there, but I can't muster the courage to speak up. That brings me to another ultimate concern, freedom. Did I lose my freedom by choice, or was it an outcome of my previous choices and decisions? 

For a significant part of my life, I have tried not to hurt others by my words and actions even if it caused pain and discomfort. That was my way of attaining a meaningful life. I thought I had freedom. Probably, I was still alone, but I had the semblance of community. I don't think I was comfortable with this facade of community, and that is why I exercised my freedom and spoke the Truth to the one I thought I love. What happened next? I was accepted in totality without any judgment. Oh! that is what I had yearned for. Judged, ridiculed and abused within closed doors and my decision to usher in companionship made me completely isolated. Meaningfulness is lost because he confronts a conflict, and I m not comfortable and in pain.  I want to believe I still have freedom, and yes, I still have it. If I tell the Truth to others, they get distressed, and he gets misunderstood. If I stay silent, everyone can keep going ahead in their lives except me. I just exercised my freedom by not sharing anything with anyone. All my roads to avoid isolation either by speaking or withholding truth lead to isolation...

Certainty!!

I want you, I own you
But what do I owe you!!
Quest in the eyes,
Questions in the mind,
Increasing belief in what can't be,
Unrest sapping into my being,
Qualms with the vain promises and
Certainty of never being yours...

Living again...

Words failing me with you,
Feelings running amok,
Questions stealing the numbness,
I was clinging on to...
Defenses falling apart,
Baring me to consciousness
Of living or just surviving!!

I have become party to supporting the DOWRY practice...

This were the exact words which my brother threw at me when I said to him that the groom (my friend) got an expensive new car as a dowry. I was at loss of words. Should I walk away from the wedding and lose face with my friend forever or should I try to defend my friend that what he did was something beyond his control??

I could do neither. I acted like any other pragmatic person at that point of time and became party or witness to one of the most demeaning practices of Indian weddings. I was at war with myself!! On one side I was a human who wants to be social and on the other side it was me who resists patriarchy and demands equity for girls/women in every space possible. To pacify the feminist in me I decided that I wouldn't go for any more weddings where there is any kind of dowry being accepted by either of the sides at the cost of losing my friendship. To ensure that I don't get a surprise after I reach the wedding venue, I would clarify in the very beginning with either of the sides regarding this practice.

But would this ensure that people atleast in my circle stop accepting dowry! Maybe not and I might lose some very good friends over time. However, I feel I would rather not be friends with such people who are voluntarily or involuntarily accepting dowry. I find it hard to understand that inspite of a law against dowry in India why do people still accept it. There is not much to be said about the ones who accept it because they demanded it. They are beyond repair. What about those who are accepting it maybe with some degree of coercion. Is it that we are avoiding a battle with our parents or is it that we will lose respect or value among our family or society that we were in reality cheap to secure? I can't blame my friend much here because all of us tend to value and care for things which comes at a cost.

I started wondering does the girl think in the same way too. Few months back a junior had mentioned to me that her sister ( professional woman) demanded quite a few things to ensure that she is respected and well cared for in her in-laws family inspite of the groom's family not explicitly asking for anything. So in one way dowry is giving a certain value to the groom as well as the bride but the flow of money or gifts is happening in just one direction. The bride is getting something intangible say respect, status or love. The fact that it is intangible makes her less powerful in this transaction as my definition of respect or love could be totally different from yours and I have already done the payment upfront. After all money or liquid assets vests power to its bearer and who wouldn't want to be the powerful party in any transaction!!

And I lose the battle for equity not because my friend accepted it but when the girl was willing to give away her parents hard earned money for securing her respect, status or love from her in-laws.

30 year plus and single woman...

She is easy and available!!

I never thought I could muster the courage to write about this.

But something snapped in me recently that I felt like shouting to the world out there that leave me alone or rather stop assuming that every single 30 plus woman is available for a time-pass secondary affair and not a serious relationship. Had it been a one-time chance occurrence I would have ignored it but it has rather become a routine which makes me question my choices and my identity at times.

There could be multiple reasons why I am not marrying. Maybe I don't have the courage to get in such a relationship where lot of efforts or responsibilities are headed in my way. Maybe I love my sense of freedom and independence much more than the discomfort I feel because of the void created in absence of a partner. Or maybe I don't want to become a liability for anyone because I am a cancer survivor.

I would be suggested by some that one has to live with the consequences of their choices or actions!! But have I committed a crime here that I am made to feel that I don't deserve a chance at a genuine honest primary relationship. The single men above 30 in any case won't even consider a 30 plus single woman which is totally understood and not much in their control. However, I am much more content  in being single rather than being involved with a married man who isn't content or happy in his married life. Because such people can only be sources of negativity and false promises.

Such instances only reaffirm my belief that marriages doesn't fill the void in your life however dedicated and committed you are in your marriage because its a two-way street.  Maybe it happens the other way around too where a married woman looks for a single guy outside her marriage. Assuming that men in general are polygamous in nature the arrangement may not be too discomforting for them. But for me and maybe many other 30 plus single women it keeps becoming a tougher decision day by day.

It goes a step further where my choice reflects my identity that I am easy and would have no complains in such an arrangement. Did I speak it aloud in my conversations that this is what I want because I am not marrying!! Saying no to chocolates doesn't mean I want bitter gourd, it also means I don't want chocolates or bitter gourd either. I am not trying to exorcise married men out there. I am just trying to make a point that let's try to avoid stereotyping consciously.

I know I am at an age where all my friends are married and busy with their daily lives and endless responsibilities. I personally keep my distance because in most cases its difficult to empathize for either parties. But when someone starts being friendly it becomes rather difficult to push that person away. I have to admit it is more easier to communicate with men who are married and have many responsibilities on them. The ease of communication should actually obviates the existence of assumptions but it doesn't happen that way.

I guess we are still stuck in the mindset where a woman's character is assessed by her silence and endurance rather than her actually voicing out her thoughts or choices. We assume we have the freedom to make choices and we proclaim our right to freedom yet we fail to develop the understanding that our choices or decisions could discomfort others and ruin healthy relationships for life...

Maze for the soul

Bickering voices scream in the head, 

Leave me alone.

Don’t barge through the door,

As you trouble my soul.

Which still doesn’t forget,

The lashes of insult and the dark of self-doubt.

It wants to be on its own,

Win its way from a loathsome maze. 

Feel warmth in the tranquility,

And make treasures of the memories…

Is there a Mr. Right!!

Its almost an year one of my close friends got married (socially) after a long relationship which bloomed almost two decades back. They had got married legally 5 years before their social marriage. It's an inter-state love marriage. I remember from what I was told that this journey from legal to social marriage was tumultuous, painstakingly slow and insulting for the bride groom's family wherein the bride was insulted for her looks, her education levels ( which isn't inferior to the groom by the way) and her father's affluence levels. The bride's family was also told that the groom's younger sister couldn't be married off if this inter-state alliance happens. There was a significant pressure of dowry which may have been one of the ways through which the groom's family wanted to avoid this marriage to happen in the very first place. Well, that surely didn't happen !! Unfortunately the demands of dowry were fulfilled to a certain extent if not completely.

The reason I am putting this blog post is not to lambaste our parents or our society. I don't want to question the groom or the bride here because they have lived their struggles and shouldn't be subjected to more tribulations. I am trying to figure out as an independent girl/woman when do I decide that I can't continue in a relationship. I am being disrespected for who I am by my new family. Counter argument is people change and maybe after getting married their perceptions may change. I wait for almost 15 years to come to a point where there is some kind of commitment given by the groom that there might be some future for both of them. 15 years is a long time which gives hope as well as woe. Hope because that we have come so far, stood the test of time and nothing can go wrong here. Woe because it took such a long time to take a decision and commit to a future together. Wouldn't this inaction get repeated at similar critical decision points in life? Finally, the necessity of dowry to secure the social legitimacy to my marriage which had already happened 5 years back!!

Shouldn't I walk away from such a scenario and forget this ever happened!! I totally agree its a huge investment in the relationship which I am giving up and I am at a juncture in life where I may not be able to consider any other prospects or in the Indian scenario no one will ever consider me. But living everyday with a man and a family whom I know so closely and what they think of me is a very brave decision !! Or was there ever a choice because even my parents have invested their hopes and resources in it. Our families and parents ( in most cases) are of the opinion that getting married ensures their kids are settled in life and they are happy. They can go to all lengths to ensure their kids are happy through this route, for that matter spend off their old age savings to ensure the happiness of their kids. And in our attempts to make our parents happy we sometimes choose not to fight the right battles and stop living our lives.

This single instance wouldn't have been so unsettling for me had it not been a completely another incidence where a guy fought with his parents to marry a girl ( a divorcee ) elder to him. This was also an inter-state love marriage. The fact that he was a single child might have helped him to win this battle. Was it fear of losing one's love if not acting now, more love on his part, more conviction in his love, more courage,  or was it more clarity in mind to choose the right battles for himself ? I am still not sure what made him successful. There might be an argument that both the couples got married eventually. But there is a stark difference between both the cases where someone took a decision at a good time to live their lives...

P.S I am not claiming happily ever after endings in any case.